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Darwin Awards
They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
 
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order, are:

 
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting
drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to
buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly,
this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He
was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He
was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look.  He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister
removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow
tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and
was the cause of his suffocation.
 
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family was very awkward.

 
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found
dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a
70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."

 
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattle-
snake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
candidate, was hospitalized.

 
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration,
none of the lights worked.
 
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion.
 
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

 
AND THE WINNER IS.........
 
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle
his scrotum in the machine.
 
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer
was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are
in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
 
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as
it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
machinery inside.
 
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that
he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
 
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot
didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result.

 

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