Lawyer Jokes

Godfather's Lawyer:

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."



Ticket Please:

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"



Truckin Job for Sam and Bart:

Sam went to interview for a trucking job and after a long and extensive written test the interviewer said, I think you just got yourself a job.

Sam asked, what about Bart? 

The interviewer asks, who's Bart? 

Sam said, Bart and I have been partners trucking for 20 years and we only work together. 

The interviewer said all right but there is one more verbal part of the test you must answer. 

Sam said OK what is it? 

The interviewer says:  You and Bart are on a long haul from California to New York, you are driving and Bart is in the bunk sleeping, you are coming down Pikes Peak in the snow, the road is slippery and all the sudden your brakes go out, you look ahead and there is a narrow bridge and another semi is coming toward you. The bridge is over a very deep gorge and no room for two semi's.  What is the first thing you are going to do? 

Sam says, I'm going to wake up Bart. 

The interviewer says, Sam, you are in an emergency situation here, why in world would your first
instinct be to wake up Bart. 

Sam says, Bart and I have been trucking together for over 20 years and he ain't never seen a wreck like we're gonna have.


Good one around Thanksgiving


A young man named John received a parrot as a  gift.
  
The parrot had a  bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word
out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John  tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by  consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything  else he could think
of to"clean up" the  bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and  put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not  a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the  door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched  arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
  
  
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
  
  
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was about to ask
the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
  
"May I ask what the turkey did?"


Flying Blonde

A plane was on it's way to Houston, when a blonde in economy class
gets up and moves to 1st class and sits down. The flight attendant sees
this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid
for economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I'm
staying right here.
   
The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes to the blonde and tries to explain. He
tells her she must go back to her seat The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
   
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the
blonde woman who will not listen to reason.
   
The pilot says, "You say blonde?" I'll handle this.! I'm married to
a blonde. I speak blonde.
   
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear. "I'm so
sorry but----." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

 The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he
said to make her move. "I told her that 1st class isn't going to
Houston."



Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.....

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" 

Washington says, "Never tell a lie." 

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that." 

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How  can I best serve my country?" 

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." 

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." 

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" 

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater



A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and
asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I
consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop
the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with
a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the
cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered.
'I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber
found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from
the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I

owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I
consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived
at the shop, the barber found a dozen more Senators on the stoop.




20 Million Radical Muslims:

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you
guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". Gonna be a real holy war...

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million radical muslims this
time, and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big
tits?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smart
ass, I told you no one would worry about the 20 million radical muslims!"



Bin Laden's Surprise:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"



The Firing Squad:

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Liars:

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."


Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."




A little boy sat on the sidewalk outside the White House with a box next to him.
Day after day Mr. Bush watched as people came by and stopped to talk to the child.
One day he went out to see what it was all about.
“Oh, you have puppies!” he said with a smile. “Tell me, are they Republican or Democrat puppies?”
“Oh, they’re Republican, Sir!”
“Why are you sitting here? The puppies are to young to give away.”
“I’m just taking names, so when they’re old enough, they can go to good homes.”
“You are a good boy,” smiled President Bush and left.
Several weeks later Mr. Bush came back as asked how the Republican puppies were doing.
“They’re Democrat puppies, Sir,” replied the child.
“But you said they were Republican!” Mr. Bush said in astonishment.
“Yes Sir, but that was before their eyes opened.”


A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"